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On Greed

2011-10-01T20:37:00.000-07:00

I would be thefirst to admit that I have been lazy about writing and I could offer a slew ofexcuses none of which would suffice the explain the lack of activity on thisblog. But sloth is not the topic of this discourse. It is another capital vice- Greed.

While I wasfinishing my undergrad, I was split between working for a HFT firm thatpromised riches beyond my dreams, and going for a PhD in Math which at thattime seemed like a shot in the dark. I turned to my advisor for advice. Intypically equivocal manner that is a characteristic of all good teachers heresponded - "Take the greedy alternative. Do what seems like the bestthing to do right now, don't think too far ahead." I ended up choosing thelatter. Since then I have found myself reverting to those words several timeswhen in enveloped by self-doubt and on almost all occasions they have stood mein good stead.

On my way backfrom Delhi, I watched Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. It was a fair way tokill time on what would have otherwise beena very boring flight. One of the memorable statements in the movie was by theprotagonist, Gordon Gekko - "Greed for the lack of a better word is a goodthing." I agree. It is greed that keeps the proletarians working day andnight. It is the lure of a better life that motivates students to slog and thefarmers to till their fields. Greed in its myriad forms provides us incentiveto push ourselves, and we all respond to incentives.

In fact I wouldgo as far as to say that greed is a virtue that focuses our attention to whatwe desire the most and goads us to reach for it. Aside from its role as amotivator I think it is quite a reasonable default strategy. One cannot predict the random-bits in the future but by doing the greedything one can be assured of optimal results in the short-term.

NYC I miss you !!!

2011-09-24T20:56:00.000-07:00

Dialogue

2011-09-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

P: I am confused by the ongoing debate about taxing the rich, and the apparent holes in our governments tax codes. Why should I pay taxes at all ?

V: We pay taxes to the government to enable it to maintain vital services. In the absence of a central figure no one would have the incentive to sweep the roads and police the bad guys.

P: Hmm, that makes sense. We are all too busy with our own things to take care of everything. Then why can't we just have agencies that take care of these things for a nominal fee. Why do we need a government at a national level.

V: What you suggest is exactly the concept of local self-governance. It works well for discharging day-to-day civic duties, but there are times when we need a more global outlook, for example to hasten progress or to fight disruptive changes that would otherwise overwhelm such a parochial organization.

P: Fair enough. Ok, so we need to pay taxes, why can't we all agree to pay the same dollar amount as our contribution to the effective functioning of society.

V: Well the prevailing consensus is that it not fair to ask the poor to pay as much as the rich. The rich should carry more of the burden.

P: Why is that ? Isn't that anti-evolutionary in some way. After all the crab with the bigger claw, or the faster lion doesn't simply give up some of its kill for the benefit of its peers. Then why are we expected to do so ? Why are we trying to suppress the selfish gene that has served us so well over the millennia.

V: This not altruism, it is a very convoluted form of selfishness. If the poor are taxed as much as the rich, it would inevitably lead to a revolution where the masses would revolt against the privileged. Ultimately, such a disruption of social order would hurt the wealthy more than the destitute as they are the ones who have the most to lose. So by contributing a larger amount they are in fact trying to maintain status quo, a situation that suits them well. It is a twisted way of self-preservation.

P: Ok. I see how higher taxes for the rich can be justified if one is willing to stretch his mind a bit. But wouldn't it be easier to have a uniform tax code where everyone pays a fixed fraction of their income to the government. This would ensure that everyone pays according to their capacity.

V: Ahh, but your proposal is based on the assumption that every dollar is made equal, which is not the case. You see, a rich person, by virtue of his wealth is likely to generate more money than someone who is poor. Wealth begets wealth and a 'fair' society must nullify this advantage through taxes. And for this purpose we have higher taxes for the rich since their preexistent wealth gives them an unfair advantage. I have plotted the effective tax rate in the US as a function of net taxable income(lets ignore capital gains tax for now, that is a whole different mess that Mr. Bush brought upon us), we see that it is almost linear.

P: So the government believes that a person's ability to create wealth increases linearly with the amount of wealth he possesses. Fair enough, but why is the curve linear ?

Pushkar : This is as far as I could take the dialogue within the limits of my reasoning. P was the prover and V the verifier.

Invictus

2011-05-07T20:25:00.001-07:00

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul

-- William Ernest Henley

Epitaph

2011-04-18T08:05:00.001-07:00

Hyperboloids of wondrous Light
Rolling for aye through Space and Time
Harbour those Waves which somehow Might
Play out God's holy pantomime

We didn't start the fire...

2011-03-26T15:19:00.001-07:00

Religion confounds me, seldom by its necessity, but often by its practices. I have long given up attempting to rationalize its utility, and the urge to understand its purpose has been supplanted by resignation towards its permanence and ubiquity. However the practice of religion still holds challenges that are accessible to my intellect and amenable to reason.

I spent two weeks in Delhi, in February, for my sister's wedding. It was, in every sense of the word, 'a big fat Indian wedding', complete with numerous poojas and ceremonies. While killing time at one such pooja, and intermittently thinking about Batman, I had an epiphany. As Hindus we are obsessed with fire.

A Hindu marriage, like many of our modes of worship involves setting loads of stuff on fire; allegedly to please the gods and ward off evil spirits and possibly mosquitoes. We then sanctify the marriage by running laps around fire. To keep the proverbial fire burning, we continue our pyromaniacal ways by setting more things ablaze during Diwali and again over Lodi.

Then when spring rolls in, and we celebrate Holi, a festival that seemingly has nothing to do with fire. If anything, we douse each other with buckets of water and throw water balloons at unsuspecting motorists from rooftops. But dig a little deeper and the ambers of our arsonous past glow bright red with the breath of reason. We celebrate Holi to rejoice the demise of demoness Holika(and the miraculous escape for Prahlad) when she carried him into the fire. Hence the term Holika-Dahan.

And finally to secure a successful passage into the afterlife for the deceased, we do what any self-respecting Hindu would do, we set them ablaze. Overwhelmed by these questions, and smoke, I mustered the courage to ask our family pundit-ji about our obsession with setting things on fire. "It is because fire is pure and cleansing", he replied, as he lit the incense-sticks, and smoked some more stuff into the hawan-kund.

Gita 6:34

2011-03-26T15:18:00.000-07:00

Chanchalam hi manah Krishna pramaathi balavad dridham;
Tasyaaham nigraham manye vaayoriva sudushkaram.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
O Krishna, the mind verily is restless, turbulent, obstinate and powerful,
therefore, I consider it as difficult to control as the wind.

Three wise men

2010-11-14T15:47:00.000-08:00

I began this post two months ago, only to be distrated by work outside my control and voices inside my head. Since as long as I can remember I have had voices inside my head; I have been a self-talker, a very chatty one. The protagonist in these monologues is one of three wise men. This is the story of these three wise men and how listening to them has helped me find my way when I am lost.

First person: I hear him speak when my actions are directed towards self satisfaction i.e. when I am doing something entirely for myself. He is very honest, untouched by prejudice, almost childlike. He speaks in first person, typically saying things such as - " I like this, hence I will do it. I think she is pretty, maybe I will get off at the next stop."

Second Person: The second voice is of a wiser and cautious man. He has seen my endeavors and remembers my failures. Wiser than the first, he is my guardian. Yet , he is not as amicable as the first, often confrontational, he tell me what is out of my bounds. He speaks in second person, through lines such as - "You should stop now, this won't work. You should start preparing now, it is high time."

Third Person: He is not a single voice, but an amalgamation of advice, criticism and opinions. This is the vain, and self-conceited part of my being. He speaks of how I perceive others' see me. He praises often, sometimes to an unrealistic extent. His typical statement would be - "He(Me) is clever enough to figure it out, give him time. He will be fine, he is strong enough to handle this."

The three wise men are not just an embodiment of the Freudian concepts of Id, Ego and Super-ego, they are in fact a refinement of them. Recognizing the speaker has helped me dissociate my thoughts from their implications and understand their origin.

I miss you

2010-06-25T21:16:00.000-07:00

I miss you, all the time, every day. I am lost, come back, come back from heaven, or give me a sign that you are still around...

245 feet.

2010-06-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

Apprehension,
about the next few moments.
Confusion,
arising from the midst of the torment.
Fear,
of the painful end.
Resignation,
about a choice he cannot mend.
Relief,
from the baggage left behind.
Awe,
of the beauty around.
Calm,
At last.
Apprehension, confusion, fear,
resignation, relief are all in the past.
Silence,
peace.
End.

37A

2010-01-15T19:37:00.000-08:00

Long flights bring out the optimist in me, only to see him slapped by the cruel hand of fate. As always, I found myself hoping to be seated next to a beautiful girl as I boarded my flight back to Delhi.

"35, 36, 37A. Damn!!” I heard myself think. It was an old man wearing a French hat. I silently cursed my luck as I took the seat and pacified myself with the thought that god was saving up for a real hottie on the connecting flight from Paris. The flight attendants went through the usual routine which everyone duly ignored. I glanced upon the old man and found him to be paying close attention. Clearly wasn't well travelled.

I find plane journeys extremely soporific, and fall asleep as soon as the jitters settle, only to get up for food. I contorted my body into the fetal position then slyly lifted the arm-rest to blur the interseat boundaries and drifted off.

I awoke to the smell of coffee; it was time for breakfast. I stole a glance to my right and found him to be struggling with a packet of crackers. "... old age; it is a second childhood", I remembered these words by Shakespeare. He gave me a helpless glance and I knew what to do. From then on this became a regular feature of every meal/snack. From water bottles to pickle packs, he would pass them to me without hesitation. At supper he handed me a pack of butter. As I was about to open it, he gestured that it was for me. I kept it in my pocket and soon forgot about it.

When it was time to deplane, I took out his luggage and we shook hands. He lifted his hat and waved goodbye. During the layover I had omelets and butter on the airport.

Aside: I started writing this post on the airport. The old man reminded me of my grandfather who passed away three months ago. He too was a man of very few words. May he rest in peace.

Principia Relationshipica

2009-11-30T20:07:00.000-08:00

Abstract
We present here the three laws that govern the dynamics of a relationship. The laws are based on the author's observations and backed by rigorous scientific terminology and jargon and are therefore irrefutable.

Disclaimer: This work is loosely based on the other, more famous triad [1] of laws, which shall henceforth be referred to as 'the other laws'. As with the other laws, the proposed laws are applicable on the macro(time) scale, and serve to predict the characteristics of hitherto un-understood phenomenon by providing simple equations applicable in the (external) stationary frame of reference. These laws SHALL NOT be applied in the relativistic frame.

First Law: A affinitas quondam infractus est fatalis deesse iterum. A sanus affinitas mos teneo exaro enternity, nisi acted super per an extrarius fomes.
[A relationship once broken is fated to fail again. A healthy relationship will persist till eternity, unless acted upon by an external temptation.]

This law states that once two people have decided to part ways, they will eventually part ways. They may go through moments of indecision before concluding what they had previously concluded. As with the other laws the dual of the above statement says that unless a better alternative is available to either of the participating parties the relationship shall prosper. Refer to [2,3] for a more rigorous treatment of this facet of the problem.

Exceptions: Married men and Brad Pitt fall outside the purview of this law.

Second Law: A porro loginquitas affinitas vadum superstes parumper vicis period par ut vicis prodigo una.
[A long-distance relationship shall survive for a period proportional to the time spent together.]

This law, originally attributed to Manu, asserts that sans physical contact two people can stay in love for a time period equal what they have spent together. After this period expires, misunderstandings and unfulfilled expectations would eventually stifle the relationship.

Mathematically this may be formulated as follows:
F = ma
Where F = tension (force) in the relationship
a = time spent apart
m = mass of the female involved

Corollary: A guy will remain longer in a long-distance relationship if the female in question is slim and beautiful.

Exceptions: To the best of our knowledge there are no exceptions to this rule.

Third Law: Pro sulum effrego illic est an par quod identical rebound
[For every break up there is an equal and identical rebound]

The law states that, one will rebound in to another relationship in the period immediately following a breakup while searching for similar attributes as his/her erstwhile romantic interest.

Future Work
[2, 3] give a quadratic time algorithm for solving the stable marriage problem which is a bottleneck for large values of n (of the order of the population of the world). A sub quadratic algorithm would be a significant advancement in the state of the art. A quadratic lower bound would be totally useless and hence would deserve mention in a top theoretical computer science journal.

Acknowledgements
The author would like to thank Manu Saxena for many fruitful discussions on this topics. He would also like to thank his advisor and NSF for funding his research.

Bibliography
[1] Isaac Newton, "Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica", somewhere in England, England. 5th July, 1687.
[2] D. Gale and L. S. Shapley: "College Admissions and the Stability of Marriage", American Mathematical Monthly 69, 9-14, 1962.
[3] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stable_marriage_problem

Will you .... ?

2009-11-06T21:16:00.000-08:00

"It has been about an year since we have known each other, but it is only over the last two months that I have started to feel differently. I hope the feelings are mutual. I am afraid that I may have missed signs of disapproval from the other side, and let this go on for too long. After all I had my chances to call it off, but when you get so emotionally involved in something, taking a step back is often the hardest thing to do. I was still unsure about all this before the summer break, but I feel stronger than ever that this is the right decision. There is another part of my brain which tells me that this is too early; that as before, I am being hasty; that I am being impulsive. Such decisions can change a man's life, and require careful thought. But if I think too hard, I know I will only end up delaying the inevitable, may regret it later. I guess there comes a time in every relationship when one person has to go out on a limb. Such a time has come for us."

With these thoughts clouding my mind, I got down on one knee and asked - "Vijay will you be my thesis advisor?”

And he said yes.

Serendipity.

2009-09-17T19:55:00.001-07:00

"Don't get involved with ‘other’ women", is what my mom told me before I left India. She also happened to mention not talk to strangers while in the US. My success rate in following her advice has been 50%.

My friend doak once wrote - probably fueled by loneliness from being in America - that the most humbling feeling is to be in a subway with hundreds of people yet fail to recognize a single familiar face (that was the jist of it, as I remember). I had reservations before going to Pittsburgh about how I would survive in a city where I knew absolutely nobody. The duration of the stay was too short to invest in building a friendship, yet twas too long to whittle away by counting down the days. All this changed when I started travelling around the city.

I have had very interesting conversations with people in the bus, in the metro, even with people sitting alone in restaurants. And the best part of such interactions is that I can choose to be anyone while I am with them. It is unlikely that I would ever run in to them again, so I can forgo of the norms of rationality that ever so often impede me from saying as I feel. I was once salesman from Dubai, a sailor from Bombay, and most often, rather unimaginatively, a PhD student from the south. At one time I tried to pull of 'Rajesh Kutrapalli', only to find out that the lady had seen the show. That idea had to be shelved.

It was after a day of wandering the streets, which involved randomly hopping in and out of busses, that I was sitting on a bench by the road when he approached me. He said that he had jogged past me on two occasions and was fascinated by my shirt (it had a big sigma symbol on it and below it were the words - the sum of Google). His name was Ray, twenty five something, just like any lad you would meet in the university. He was an environmental engineer with an oil company. We talked for more than an hour that day. Conversation veered from banal chit-chat to serious stuff like religion. I told him about the Indian concept of arranged marriage, which he naturally found surprising. He told me about the Amish way of life, which I found very queer. He was a patient listener yet always eager to share his experience. It was nice to talk to someone without the burden of being judged. Very often we base our interactions and stifle our opinion out of fear of forming a bad impression. This was not the case here. Clearly this would be the last that we would see of each other. We parted ways when it started getting dark.

A week later, when I was sitting on the same bench, I heard a familiar voice. It was Ray again. Whether it was the fate, karma, dumb luck or the sunny weather that brought us together; I would never know. But here we were two lost sould who had serendipitously found each other again. This time we talked for even longer. He told me about his friends wedding that he was planning to attend, about his college days in Boston. I told him about my family back in Delhi, and how much I missed being back home. When he learnt that I couldn't drive he even offered to teach me on his pick-up truck! Once again, we talked until sundown and then bade goodbye.

And that was it; we never exchanged email addresses or phone numbers.

I am happy with the way it ended for it would always remain a chance meeting and a happy memory.

(B)hairy Scary

2009-07-19T17:10:00.000-07:00

Ahh, the sweet fortnight when my hair is of just right length - it is neither too short that it can not be combed, nor is it too long to have become unmanageable. Every day for the next fourteen days I will stand in front of the mirror and deliberate between the "cool middle parting", the "rebellious spikes", the "suave gelled-back look" before I ultimately decide to play it safe and stick to the "good boy side-parting".

When I posed this dilemma to my dad he replied - "Might as well enjoy it while you have it. With my genes it wouldn't be long before you end up like this". This was accompanied by him stroking his balding head as I watched in horror and tried to imagine my condition when the enemy would have advanced in to my territory. And finally to rub it in he added - "I had a head full of hair when I got married, ask your mom if you doubt me. But I lost all of it after both of you were born."

I have an excellent classification of baldness and ways to (re)cover from it which would be fodder for the next post. Until then I will enjoy my perfect hair.

Artsy-fartsy photographs

2009-07-05T20:16:00.001-07:00

Addicted

2009-07-05T20:14:00.000-07:00

Jobs are queer things. At one level they are like the push that keeps the wheel of your life turning over; at another they also wear you down by their stolid monotony. Most people find ways to keep themselves distracted and thereby motivated to continue working. The proactive ones seek thrills in endeavors outside their office, but for most others it is a matter of numbing their senses, be it momentarily, and escaping from the reality.

For me it all started when I arrived in Pittsburgh for an internship. It was a new city, with new challenges, but hardly any familiar faces. From the onset I knew it would be challenging to resist the temptation, but I was determined to fight it out. But very soon the glitzy labels in the stocked coffers began to take their toll on my resolve. And as I saw my colleagues gulp it down over lunch and at work, I found myself involved in debates with my conscience. Slowly that little voice inside me grew faint until it was no longer audible. I stopped resisting.

Now, I am addicted. I need it early in the morning and one before going to bed. There is obviously one to wash down lunch and if the opportunity presents itself, another one at dinner. Heck!! I keep one close to my bed should the craving be unbearable in the morning. I have it on my way to work like the most nonchalant of American habits whilst reassuring myself that I am burning off whatever I am gulping down. I know that excess of anything is bad for ones health but I am beyond the point where such platitudes invoke any feeling of guilt. I plan to stop when I get back to Atlanta but it seems that is just a reassurance to help me sleep at night.

I guess admitting it is the first step.
Yes. I am addicted to coke.

Pics - Pitt by night

2009-06-27T13:25:00.000-07:00

Up Swing !!

2009-06-26T21:20:00.001-07:00

Caution: This post involves significant amount of self-eulogizing and back slapping.

The last few months have been extremely taxing both emotionally and physically. It seems my fortunes have finally turned a corner. The first good news of the week came in the form of the mail that our FOCS paper had been accepted. For a paper that was written over two nights after being reprimanded by V, I think it did pretty well. We have been asked to merge our presentation with another paper but the papers remain separate. Sweet.

Next I got my Nikon D40 during the week, and a whole bunch of accessories that I had shopped for. Basically I have received one package every day of the week [bag, camera, polarizer, SD card, Vijay’s book]. It is always nice to walk in to office and see a nice package waiting on your desk. I went to Mount Washington today to try it out and was really impressed by its handling and interface. I waited 3 hours for the sun to set so that I could take a picture of the Pittsburg downtown and it didn’t disappoint me. I will upload the pics tomorrow after some post-processing.

Oh, and there was also a baseball game thrown in, my first TGIF bash, and my first successful code review. Phew!! Seems like some one up there had been saving it all up.

Anger

2009-06-17T18:49:00.000-07:00

There are very few things in life that can be understood so well that they can be classified and printed as chapters in CBSE text books so that innocent kids can learn them for their bored(my apologies for that) exams. I am proud to say that I have just added 'anger' to that list. Having spent the last year with a bunch of guys from south India discussing the properties and characteristics of numerous functions I am compelled to present my findings in a pseudo technical form. Anger can be best explained by the following five functions.

1. The Dirac function: People with such a profile are generally very placid and amicable apart from short but violent bursts of furious rage. Refer figure for details.

2. The sine curve: These are very predictable souls the derivative of whose anger is also just as predictable. Averaged over a long period of time they are neutral.

3. The martingale: The most erratic of all functions. The anger curve has no derivative at any of the points and is therefore totally unpredictable.

4. The constant: We don't run in to such people in subway or in the metro. They exist only in Chinese monasteries or as heroes in Hindi films.

5. The exponential function: this type of people get angrier with age until they shoot the crazy clown in the spring fair and are hung. For further information contact Andrew Symonds.

Of course my mother has an alternate classification as good anger and bad anger, but it does not involve any graphs or derivatives and is therefore not a significant contribution to the state of the art.

Pushkar's Eleven Rule

2009-06-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

It is marriage season in the Tripathi house hold these days, with two eligible bachelorettes in the family. When I was in Delhi last month I made the following observation. The critical mass for any family gathering is three; once this threshold is reached any conversation will invariably veer towards marriage.

With marriage being the topic of most conversations I rapidly found myself being sidelined from all discussions and had the time to make this second remarkable observation. There is far too much emphasis on the bride and the groom being of comparable heights. Of course this concern is somewhat justified, since it would be inconvenient not to have the bride and the groom in the same photo without the help of a foot-stool.

The official reason purported by the higher authorities was that people of the similar heights look better together and are likely to have similar progeny hence making for splendid family photographs. Shrugging off my inclination to believe everything that my elders tell me, I have come to the following conclusion. [Hold on to your pants for this may shock or surprise and you may even think that I am crazy or inebriated. I assure you I am fully in my senses and haven't had anything to drink in the last hour.]

This is an evil plot that is two millennia in the making. I think our forefathers intended to divide the whole of humanity in to two sects, the tall ones and the not so tall ones. Some sort of divide and rule. If tall people continue to marry others like them they are more likely to have tall kids. The same holds for the vertically challenged ones. We could end up in a situation where the entire mankind has diverged in to two subspecies. Then USA would declare that being short is against the ideals of democracy and use this as an excuse to invade a Muslim country.

At the risk of being branded a pariah, I would say it makes more sense for tall guys to marry from among short ones and vice-versa. This would ensure that their offspring are of acceptable height. I would even go to the extent of proposing a rule. For the lack of a better name let us call it the Eleven Rule - the sum of the heights of the bride and groom should be exactly 11 feet. This way they have the best shot at having kids who are normal by today's standards. Of course having a generation which is roughly 5.5 feet would also help control the variance in future generations. This seems perfect.

For those who haven't met me, I am 5 feet 10 inches tall and am looking for some one who is exactly 5'2". Interested ladies should leave a comment.

Me likes....:)

2009-05-14T23:41:00.000-07:00

It seems my only blogging activity over the last few months has been in response to tags. So here is another one, this is a response to Moti's tag.

Things that cheer me up when I am down.

1. Sport. There is nothing like getting your hair wet and shirt soaked when it comes to getting over your pain. If I look back at various sports that I have picked up, apart from cricket of course, most can some how be attributed to times when I wanted to vent my stress. I started playing badminton to cope with the stress of preparing for JEE and racket-ball and squash came on my sporting resume after my brake up.

2. Another thing that really helps me unwind is writing. I have been lazy about posting stuff on this blog but have been very diligent when it comes to writing. It is not just the emotional rants but things like poems, stories, puzzles; they all help me clear my mind. If Microsoft ever decides to honor the most loyal 'notepad-supporter' I would be a top contender for the award.

3. Cooking. Yes that is true, I enjoy cooking a lot, though my roommates would testify that a lot of my experiments don't turn out right. I guess it is the joy of creating something that others can enjoy and appreciate that I like about cooking. Things dal and sabzi are not that gratifying. What I really enjoy is making new dishes; like there was the time when I made pulao for a potluck. That was immensely satisfying.

4. Mathematics. I know that I am truly happy if I am thinking of math. That is what I have thought about over the last 4-5 years and it has become a part of me. There have been times when I have gone to bed thinking about a problem and woken up after dreaming about a solution. I generally keep a list of puzzles and problems to work on during my free time, and working my way through the list makes me feel good. When I started doing this sometime in my first year at IIT, the objective was to chew through the list as fast as possible to reach the state of "know-it-all" inactivity. This has ceased to be the case now.

5. This is probably the easiest of the lot. I call up my friends when I am depressed. Very often I find myself unable to really share the reason for being sad but even talking to others about unrelated things makes me happy, and gives me the courage to fight my inner-devils.

I have a theory as to why these things work. Taking time off by the way of cooking, blogging, chatting helps to distance myself from my troubles. This serves to bring them in to perspective. Of the very few things that V (my advisor) has taught me over the last year is that when you have a problem and you keep looking at it like this (holds his hand close to his nose) then you are confined to a very small solution space, it is only when you let it go (stretches his hand out), that you are able to look at the bigger picture and find the solution.

Ishani's Tag: Quirks

2009-04-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

Ishani tagged me more than a month ago and I have been prepping my self to do this since then. So here are the rules.

The Rules:
1. Link the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them. (tagged all)
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

1. I am one of those people who are very organized with certain things in life yet manage to be hopelessly careless about the rest. And it is not that the things that I am careless about don’t mean as much, in fact it is quite the contrary. I forget stuff that is to do with my friends, my family but remember details from even obscure talks that I heard when I was half asleep. I have a theory about this. By nature I am careless about everything, but by nurture certain habits were engraved in my being which keep me organized in some aspects of my life. For example, I began making lists some time in class 6 and have stuck with it since then. From “to-do lists” to “list of problems to think about in my free time”, I make lists about everything, yet have to be reminded to wish my best friend on her birthday. Those close to me learn to tolerate me in spite of this, while others get frustrated by it.

2. I am credulous. I trust people far too easily and often with disastrous results. From thieving auto-walas to ‘friends’ there have been numerous times when I have let my guard down leaving myself vulnerable. And after each such incident I vow to be careful only to forget (refer 1) about it next time.

3. I am often critical without realizing it. I do not do it out of malice, or to hurt anyone, but it just happens. There have been times when I have said something and then later realized that it was very rude to say it that way.

4. I over analyze things. Probably fueled by the 2. and 3. above and also the desire to be in control of what I think I mull over things way more than I ought to. There have been times when this has let me down but this is one quirk that I am happy to hang on to.

5. I lose touch with people very quickly. I have friends in school that I interacted with daily and who I never met after leaving school. Ditto for many more from IIT. It have given this some thought of late and I think the real fear is that there will be nothing to talk about when/if I get in touch with them again.

6. And lastly I am afraid of being alone. No, don’t get me wrong, I am not scared of the dark, I got over that three years ago. I am quite literally scared of being without people to talk to. It may not be good company; it may even be the most boring group of people, but I need someone around me. My mind starts going in circles when I am alone. It is a self-deprecating cycle that ultimately leaves me very depressed.

Not a lot of people left to tag, that one will have to wait.

stars stripes and a tale of misadventures

2009-01-17T10:57:00.000-08:00

hello world,
Been some time since I wrote that program and it has been almost as long since I wrote a post. But Ishani's recent tag ensured that I would come back and write something. So here I am.

Just to touch bases, while I was away from blogosphere, I shifted base from Delhi and came to Atlanta to pursue a PhD in Applied math at Gatech. For someone who never stayed away from home this was a giant leap. But one fine day in August, I packed my bags(actually mum did), put on clean clothes and prayed to superman to watch out for me and landed up in THE USA.

I knew this would be an epic adventure that would make LOTR lok like a walk in the park, but what I didn't count on was how early it was about to begin. It all started when we landed in Atlanta. 'We' here refers to my roommate whose name is also Pushkar. As they say in hindi "jaisa naam waisa kaam", he as almost as careless as I am, if not worse. In the 5 months that we have been here he has lost 3 sets of house keys and his watch and an umbrella. I could keep going until the cows come home, but you didn't come here to hear about cows or bulls so I will leave it at this. Before leaving we had signed up for a pickup from the airport with the India Club at Gatech(yeah! even with all our differences back home, us Indians really stick together over here). Both of us forgot to get a printout and were clueless on how to proceed.

After talking to a lot of people and after numerous abortive attempts to use the payphone we decided to use the metro. We dragged our stuff in to the train only to find out that we had boarded the one going in the opposite direction. Then switched trains at the next station. The trains barely stopped for 2 minutes at the station so to get everything out was an optimization problem in itself. Couple of very helpful ladies helped us out and we somehow made it to the midtown station.

Both of us had 3 huge suitcases on us and we would drag two at a time and then go back and fetch the last one. The stage was set for our next misadventure. We dragged suitcases out of the automatic door only to see it close behind us. Try as we might that door wouldn't budge. Then we looked around to see if anyone could help us. No luck, no suitcase, no ideas. Finally someone told us that we could use the emergency door to get in to the station and get our stuff.

Finally after a lot of huff-and-puff we found a cab which could take us to our house. Of course we weren't done goofing up yet. I remember thinking to myself that the worst is behind me but clearly I was mistaken and the cruel hand of was curling up for one last punch. We expected to find our third house mate at home when we arrived. But while we were busy exploring the Atlanta underground he had left. We came, hoping to find a cozy little welcoming place, only to find a note which read - "call me. here is my number".

From our attempts to use the payphone at the airport I knew there was no point in going down that road. After wandering about for a while I came to small gas station quite resembling the kwikie mart from "The Simpsons". It seems my face foretold of my misadventures, but as soon as I entered a sardarji walked up to me and said "satsriya kal, you seem lost, need some help?". He graciously allowed me to use his phone and with that my American adventure ended.

I can honestly say that at least three times during my first day in USA, I contemplated calling back home and telling them to get me out of here. Ironic, that too was not an option since I didn't know how to use the payphone !!!

Rainy Day

2008-05-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

Tiper Taper Tipper, Tappper...the falling raindrops on the asbestos roof broke the silence that had enveloped the otherwise quiet neighborhood. Gradually the raindrops grew louder; but their incessant clatter did not bother him. He had grown to love the rain, for, it brought back memories of time he had spent playing in it. He could still remember getting drenched on the way back from school; and the ticklish feeling of walking with soaked shoes as his socks clung to his feet.

All of eighty now, those times were a distant memory now, one that he would dig up, on days such as this. His wrinkled fingers gripped the tea cup as he licked the salty tang of the rain from his lips. Now and then a cold whiff of air would sneak through his tightly clasped hand and steal the warmth from it. The modest cottage with its sloping roof sat in picturesque neighborhood, one where the well-to-do would retire and live out their lives. Out in the distance some children were playing in the rain.

He longed to get wet in the rain and to play in the mud without care. The days when he would lie down on the wet grass and look at the falling rain drops from the smoky black sky above were still etched in his memory. But those were bygones, yet the sight of the children frolicking in the rain made him nostalgic and envious. "Ah! Just like I used to... I wish I could", he found himself thinking, but his thoughts were interrupted by a sudden clang. Startled, he looked over his shoulder. Then in a corner of the verandah he saw it lying there. It was a ball. One that the children had been playing with. It wasn't new, and had certainly given them hours of fun. It was muddy and soaked, and the outer layer of cloth was coming off near the seams.

From the corner of his eye he saw one of the kids approaching him. In a sudden burst of activity -quite uncharacteristic of his advanced age- he picked his walking stick and nudged the ball behind the potted dahlia. Convinced that it was no longer visible he continued to stare at the falling rain.

"Sir I think we accidentally threw our ball in your verandah, do you mind if we look around?” he asked in humble tone.

The old man turned his head nonchalantly and barked, "I didn't see anything come in. I have been sitting here all this while, to think I would have seen it. I ain't blind, am I?” Unsatisfied by the response the boy tried to look around by getting on his toes but this wasn’t received very well. "Now Scoot!! Before I call your parents. Go away..." he thundered.

He saw the boy walk back, and his drooping shoulders made more conspicuous by his soaked shirt which clung to his body. Still jubilant at his work the senile grouch felt an urge to look at his prize. He leaned back to inspect the dahlia, and was surprised to see that the ball wasn’t there. "Must have rolled out somewhere", he thought and then bent down to pick up his walking stick. He grasped it firmly and then leant forward to get up. But no sooner had he taken his first step he realized that something was wrong. In a flash so sudden that he hardly had time to think he slipped. He saw the pots and the roof in a confusing haze and fell on his back. The stick fell on his side and a sharp pain raced up his back. He lay there motionless afraid to move and gazed at the falling rain drops from smoky black sky above. The dirty old ball rolled up next to him as if to mock him.

lil sweet ...lil sour

2008-02-16T08:15:00.000-08:00

So true....coudnt agree more with this song...

A Little Sweet, A Little Sour
A Little Close Not Too Far
All I Need, All I Need
All I Need Is To Be Free

Chhoo Loon Main
Itna Kareeb
Chal Padun
To Kitne Door

A Little Sweet, A Little Sour...

Chhoo Loon Main Itna Kareeb
Chal Padun To Kitne Door
Sapna Ka Buna Sweater Sa Warm
Safed Baadalon Ke Paar
Mera Jahan

Let Me In Without A Shout
Le Me In I Have A Doubt
Let Me In Without A Shout
Let Me In I Have A Doubt
There Are More,Many More
Many Many Many More Like Me

Akela Nahin Main

Khuli Aankhon Se Neend Mein Chalta

Girta Zyada Kam Sambhalta

Akela Nahin Main
Khuli Aankhon Se Neend Mein Chalta

Girta Zyada Kam Sambhalta
Phir Bhi Na Koi Shaq Na Subha
Nikalega Phir Se Sooraj Jo Dooba

Hairat Ho Sabko Aisa
Ajooba Hai Mera Jahan

Open Eyed How I Run
How I Run To The Other Side
Open Eyed How I Run
How I Run To The Other Side
Then I Glide Like A Bird
I Just Want To Be

Udne Ko Sau Pankh Diye Hai
Chadme Ko Khula Aasmaan

Udne Ko Sau Pankh Diye Hai
Chadme Ko Khula Aasmaan
Mudne Ko Hai Karwat Karwat
Aur Badhne Ko Mera Jahan

Bachpan Ke Din Chaar
Na Aayenge Baar Baar
Jee Le Jee Le Mere Yaar
Jeib Khaali To Udhaar
Jee Zindagi

title goes here

2008-02-16T08:10:00.000-08:00

There were those who did nt know where to go
and still others who got dragged along with the flow,
but the most unfortunate were the ones with the target in sight,
so sure that they were absolutely right,
but all that didnt matter in the thick of the fight.

There are times when it is harder to string a sentence than to simply dish out the words....
Random words
phd - stocks - software - dhoop - mandy - fight - tryst - money - time - doubt - unsure - karthikeyan - LOR....

Second time lucky....

2008-02-07T06:27:00.000-08:00

This post starts of where this post left off.
Squiggle ….taerg si rakhsup…squiggle – that is the sound of the tape-recorder rewinding.

Recap. After lots of up-gradation (mostly cosmetic) we resubmitted the paper to ASPDAC, in Seoul, Korea. As with every thing in my life, it took a second attempt to get it right, and the paper was accepted at the conference. Our professor, who I would like to think is an incarnation of an angel decided that we should go and present the paper ourselves. Using scientifically proven mathematical and probabilistic methods (coin toss), I was chosen to present the paper.

After running around the visa office for a week and after countless visits to the travel agent, whom we haven’t paid as yet, we finally made it to Korea. The first thing that hits you when you reach Korea even before the culture shock of a nation of hard working individuals has caught up, is the extreme cold. It was 4 below zero when we landed.

Another great thing about the place is its totally devalued currency. In fact every one can live their dream of being a "lakhpati" in Korea. The handful of dollars that I took for my daily expenses upon conversion to Korean Won catapulted me into the list of richest guys in Korea and doubled their GDP.

Coming to the purpose of the visit….. For the uninitiated, the way these conferences work is by a mutual agreement among the presenters that they will listen to each others talk and follow it up with non-sensical clarifications, in exchange of similar services by others. So I did my share of service to the academic community and narrated my memorized speech in half the allotted time. At lunch I met another IITan, Debojeet from Kharagpur, and his quote summarized the entire purpose of the conference - "Hamari field main log padhte kaam hain aur likhte zaada hain".

One of my best memories of Korea was that of meeting the people in my dormitory. We stayed in Happy road guest house and shared the room with 5 other "travelers". The queer thing about being among foreigners in a foreign land is that, nationality becomes the sole identification criteria. So here I was shacked up with 'the Moroccan guy', 'the Australian dude', the 'Indonesian chap' and the 'Scottish chippy'. Rarely talked to Australian dude or the Indonesian chap, but did get an opportunity to talk to the Scottish chippy. Here is her story - I assure you it is quite orthogonal to our norms of orthodoxy - She is an English teacher who has a passion for traveling. She works for a while and as soon as she has enough to finance her travels, packs her bags and moves out. To think that over the last 21 years no one ever told me that was an option. I always believed that there was only one way to "grow up"; study hard then get a decent job then save until you get married; then slog until your kids are in college; by time you have fulfilled all your responsibilities and are a free bird you are hooked to a catheter and can only eat low-fat porridge. I am still unsure whether I have it in me to give up everything and be a vagabond like the Scottish chippy but it is surely something that I want to try.

Of course I wasn't alone in Korea I had my friend (aka Moti) for company. There are few words to describe him and I will let these photographs do the talking. This is partly inspired by my friend "doak" who seems to have given up writing and has found a new interest in photography.

Of course while I was presenting at the conference Moti was busy with some work of his own.

Fortunately he found some like minded people and they became good friends.

I am notoriously bad with directions. In fact after spending three years in IIT I lost my way in the campus. Fortunately the Koreans made sure that we were always on track and graciously gave us directions to go around the city. [Note the second direction board].

Finally after spending 3 days in the midst of extreme cold we left Korea on the 24th. This is the view from the plane.

One day in December

2007-12-16T00:38:00.001-08:00

This is an unusual story to be told in an unusual way; in a series of acts. If at any point the plot becomes hard to follow remember the golden rule of story telling - " Tell them what you want to say, repeat what you said, and tell them what you wanted to say, and the wise shall find their way...".

"To me life is a blur, an amalgam of flashes from the past intermixed with premonitions of the future, interspersed with moments of madness..."

ACT 1
The cold gushing water jolted him out of his trance. He splashed another handful on his face and then wiped it off with his wet handkerchief. He staggered back to his compartment avoiding the judgmental stares of those around him. His unsteady steps were exaggerated by the wobbling floor beneath him. Not wanting to pull his hands out of his pocket he slid the door with his shoulder and heard it close behind him as he entered.

The cramped space reminded him of his apartment, he had never been short of money but had an aversion of large spaces - they made him feel lonely; so empty. Denver who had followed him back quickly took his place on one of the bunk-beds. He was still dizzy from the concussion and curled up beneath the blanket.

He looked around the tiny ‘room’, it was messy and the bunk-beds barely left any room to walk. Then his gaze fell upon her. She sat in one corner deeply engrossed in the book, occasionally taking a sip from the cup of tea that lay on the folding table by her side. She looked so beautiful, her beep blue eyes and winsome smile, nothing had changed in all these years. She looked up momentarily and then closed her book, as her index finger slid between the pages.

"Where is he? It has been quite a while ..."

"There was a long queue - he will take some time - nothing to worry about" he reassured her.

ACT 2
"What a surprise, fancy seeing you here. I suppose you haven’t met Rob since you didn't even turn up for our wedding. How have you been doing? "

"Oh! I was out of town....been doing OK. It is so good to see you two together. You haven't changed a bit since I saw you. I have been trying to get through to you, but it seems married life leaves you with very little time for your old friends"

"That's not the case" she replied trying to hide her embarrassment, "But, it has been hard, Robert wasn’t keeping to well. Now that he is feeling better we decided to go for a vacation."

They slid their luggage beneath the seat and then settled down for the long journey. With a gentle tug the train started to move and in no time was tearing through the mountains.

“I have brought some tea, would you like some?”

"No that’s OK, I don’t like tea..."

"You don’t mind if I smoke...?"

"No not at all carry on..."

"Honey! I am going to the rest-room. Be back in a minute ".

They spent the next few minutes in awkward silence, thinking of a common line of thought, though nothing came to mind. Finally she spoke to break the silence.

"Where are you off to? What brings you here?", she quipped as she pulled out a book.

Obviously startled by the question, he replied "Nothin much, just some company business. I will be back in a moment"

With that he left the compartment. Denver followed him out.

ACT 3
She still lay in a corner, her beep blue eyes fixed in an infinite gaze. The book was still in her hand. She had put up quite a fight, but in the end his strength had triumphed over her will. He had pinned her down until she stopped struggling, as life slowly escaped from her, until she lay limp in his arms.

Of course, this was not his first time. Just moments earlier he had stabbed John in the restroom. His cries were drowned by the noise of the rattling windows. He then wiped his hand with his handkerchief and kicked the darn cat as he came out. Wretched thing, seemed to follow him every where. Even now it sat curled up in a ball watching his every move with a child like curiosity.

This was perfect, he could now begin afresh.

No one would ever suspect him. Denver was in this with him. He would give them a slip even if he were to get caught. Denver would take the fall for him.

To him life was a blur, an amalgam of flashes from the past intermixed with premonitions of the future, interspersed with moments of madness...

A different game !!

2007-09-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

From the moment he set his eyes on her he knew that she was the one. There was something in her that cried out in no uncertain terms that she was willing to go to any extent to get what she wanted. Those deep set eyes were faming with ambition, and the passion was unmistakable.
************************************
She felt his arms around her body as he tightened his hold on her. His strong muscular body cradled her petite frame in protective embrace as he slowly guided her right arm over her shoulder. Beads of perspiration were rolling down her back, but she knew this was not the time to worry about it.

"Put your head down and spread your legs...he commanded...” She obeyed as his servile follower. She did not dare to question him.

"Now swing...." he thundered...."not like that ..... You will hurt your self". She stopped immediately as a surge of pain, like no other she had felt before crept down her back.

"Swing from your hip, in one smooth motion, and don't hesitate! Very few that I have been with have got it right in the first attempt; you are doing better than the last lady I was with. This, he hoped would spur her on.

His last remark seemed to have a magical effect, in a violent thrust of anguish she swung with all her might. And she had it.
*****************************
Two weary souls watched the bright round rock go down below the horizon, satisfied at the day’s efforts.

She had what she always wanted.

A perfect golf swing.

2007-08-23T19:17:00.001-07:00

I like the poetic license, it lets me do 80 in a 60 zone

Reborn

2007-08-20T21:39:00.000-07:00

It has been almost a month since i posted something, but it is not the case that I had nothing to say, but more so as I has busy 'preparing' for GRE. With that out of the picture I can get back to my normal schedule of repeated procastination interspersed with periods of intense activity, mostly crowded arround exams or submissions.

Here is a strange observation about my peers in IIT, and probably of most others that i dont know - all that it takes to stir up a frenzy among IITans and for them to work like there is no tomorrow, is a metric that can be used to order them.

PS: This is the first post that i have written directly on Blogger; usually review them twice before i upload them on the site, so excuse the disorganized post.

As for my score, I leave that in the form of a puzzle -
Hickery Dickery Dock,
went the cookoo clock,
greater than two but less than four,
tell me O' wise one, what is my score ?

Quotes from MSR

2007-07-26T22:47:00.000-07:00

when i was a kid then my mother used to say - "eat your dinner because there are 10 others in India who dont get this previllige and sleep hungry every night". Here is what an American lady tells her son when he doesn't do his math homework - "do your math homework, coz there are 10 other children in India who are better than you and if you dont do this they will come here and make you feel hungry every night" - Name withheld for obvious reasons

"Everything you say about India is true" - Prasad Naldurg

"More people should get drunk, they make excellent company" - Me

"have my seat ma'am"

2007-07-25T03:22:00.000-07:00

I have wanted to write about this for a long time, but have been putting it off, not due to the paucity of time or motivation, but due to my belief that such thoughts were mere ramblings of an idle mind and they were best left at that. But events of this week have, to an extent, affirmed my feelings on this issue. The question at hand is whether "good guys finish last”? Is playing the proverbial "good guy" a foolish thing to do? I ask this not for philosophical but obvious personal reasons. I am still undecided as to which way to look at this but from personal experience I have a predilection that this might be true.

Before I continue further I must annotate what I mean by a good boy. I will drop the quotation marks - if you have borne this thus far, I believe you are capable of understanding the underlying sarcasm. He is some one who takes the moral high road in an argument, just so that it ends without damage to ego or spirit; or one who offers his seat to a lady in the bus; or the one who picks up the slack when others in the team decide it is a good time for a break. One who serves as the shoulder to cry upon for others when in need only to be forgotten in his times of need. There is a psychological term associated with this kind of behaviour - reaction formation. Simply put it means a defensive behaviour where one suppresses one's anger responses so as to avoid offending another person's sensibilities. Seems like a stupid thing to do, but not to the good-guy.

Very often I have tried to be this good guy, just because I was taught this was the right thing to do. From 20 years of mostly painful experience I can safely say that this doesn't work. It might sound very charming as Google’s motto of ”do no evil”, but sadly this type of Gandhian idealism does not survive in the real world where politeness is often interpreted as weakness and genuine concern is most often attributed to hidden motives. Not in a world where the warmth of every smile cloaks a cold and evil smirk.

--Good guy no more...

2007-07-14T07:54:00.000-07:00

I was groomed to be an astronaut, and then the monkey !!! the monkey took my rightful place.

Horrible rejection !!!

2007-07-14T07:37:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been rejected? I have. It all started last summer vacation. It was one of those boring vacations when every one seemed to be busy in a world of their own; when I woke up every day with the hope the hope that something new and exciting would magically transform my life. I guess you get the picture - not a lot was happening in my life during that time and I was longing for a change.

It started off as something that was meant to last only for the summer break and we neither expected nor intended to get so involved in it. Deep down inside we knew that such things never work; they doomed to fail after the initial gusto of enthusiasm wanes away and is replaced by stolid and boring monotony. I wanted it to be short and sweet, something that would introduce me to this alien concept yet serve only as the starter and not the full course meal. For, this was something that I had been dying to experience. I had heard my seniors talk about it, though no one in my immediate circle had tried it.

We took our first few tentative steps, unsure about what to expect. Then four weeks in, it clicked, and from then on, it was like the proverbial runaway freight train, gathering momentum with each passing moment. They say when it hits you it knocks you out of your senses - and they sure got this one right. It is like no feeling I had ever experienced, it made everything seem so insignificant. After the summer break the rendezvous continued though they became infrequent. We both got busy with our lives - the semester, exams, friends.... but fortunately (or unfortunately) even in the hectic rush of the semester we continued what we had started. Our tiny sapling was taking the shape of a full grown tree.
Then in April I decided to take the final logical step. I looked back at how far we had come from where we started and then success seemed inevitable. It was perfect. It had turned out just the way I had imagined it would, except for that one last crucial step. The final step, one that spoilt everything. My life spun around on its axis and in a moment of chaos, as an year's worth of effort was lost. Oh the ignominy, the shame of being shot down.

I can still recall that moment when my dream, like that of many others before me, ended like it had never existed. I could feel blood rush to my cheeks, my eyes moisten, my ears turn red - those bastards at the conference had rejected our paper.

[I guess moti would catch all the references to our sura work]

Of wise men and their great deeds.

2007-07-14T07:36:00.000-07:00

A place where people were driven not by monitory motives but by the intrinsic desire to learn and explore. Where people strive for excellence and not for petty appraisals and promotions. Some place where the childish urge to know and to learn has not been subdued by the twisted ideals of prosperity and industry. This was what I imagined a research lab would be like. Even though these seem very far-fetched, they represented my last hope of finding a place where people genuinely care about research.

Things, as they stand today, have not turned out the way as I expected them to be. This is not to say that my experience at Microsoft research has been any less enjoyable than I hoped it would be - but my views about research and the kind of people who do research have undergone a drastic transformation. I have been very fortunate to work with probably the two sharpest minds in MSR. Rama is by far the quickest thinker that I have interacted with; he seems to anticipate most of what I have to say. He is like an oracle who has thought so far ahead that it makes my arguments seem shamefully puerile. That, he was AIR 7 during his time, is not surprising. Subbu was the second person whom I worked with and he too like Rama was extremely sharp. I remember the first day we met he spoke in his seasoned south-Indian accent...."I will give you one puzzle and you reciprocate, let us see who solves it faster". With that began a series of puzzle exchanges, which were both invigorating and enlightening. I have never seen someone pursue the solution as subbu used to do. In fact when I gave him a real bouncer, which he could not solve after a sustained effort he went out for a walk to clear his mind and came back with the solution. Most of our discussions began with something on program analysis and culminated in a puzzle or a problem.

I digress here to answer some of my critics. I was talking to shubham a week or so back when he quoted one of his friends - "solving puzzles is like a man standing in front of a mirror, appreciating his beauty". If striving for such fulfillment is interpreted by some as self-panegyric then I consider myself guilty of such an offence. But what we must remember is that under such a parochial outlook almost any activity can be classified as self-appraisal. For, one may argue, that what motivated Linus Torvalds were social kudos and self-praise. Then I guess, the only reason FLT ever got proved was so that Andrew Wiles could pat himself on the back. This statement, tries and fails miserably, at an attempt to trivialize all that is good and holy about research. All that it does show very distinctly is the ignorance and inaptitude of the speaker(not shubham).

Any way back to the topic of discourse, over the last 9 weeks I have had the opportunity to see people carry out research in "cutting edge" research in various fields of computer science(sarcasm intended). Here is what I have learnt - most people who are engaged in research are here not out of choice but out of compulsion. They were of course top of the deck in their respective colleges but six years of education(masters and PhD) has sapped them of the desire to do any serious work. They are here as a consequence of their choices and not out of their free will. After all what is a man to do if he has spent the better part of the life studying about computers. I see most researchers are driven by the desire to publish and not by the urge to understand things. When subbu gave me that long lecture about the kind of people I will encounter as I delve into the murky depths of research, I felt it was the fleeting cry of a disillusioned man.

But, merely 4 weeks since he left, I can understand what he meant when he said "..There are way to many average people doing research just for the heck of it...". Don't get me wrong here, I am not dissatisfied with the research community at large, but what really bothers me is that too many people hide their incompetence behind the cover of research and in doing so bring the entire community into disrepute. Far too many cryptographers in MSR, spend the day playing carom; way too many logicians hide behind the cloak of complex notation; and above all too many people in the TEM(technology for emerging markets) group are trying to change the world - all in the name of research. This was not intended as a jibe at MSR which still boasts of a handful of really intelligent and enthusiastic people like SriRam, Ravi Kannan and many others that I did not meet.

It seems the number of publications is the metric for measuring the worth of a researcher. And I guess it is human nature to seek out a measure of success both, to drive us towards greater heights and to point out our weaknesses. In the "real" world money plays this role while in the research community the number of publications serves this purpose. But this should not become the sole motive. And this is where I feel MSR and infact other labs lose out. The pressure to publish becomes so immense that it drives people who were otherwise the best in the group towards mediocrity.

2007-07-07T03:08:00.000-07:00

"deep breathe in, relax your back....your neck..your face" these words still echo in my mind. I was introduced to meditation, during my schooldays,and it is one of those things that i have carried with me ever since. For, it has been like a panacea to me whenever i have been in doubt,unsure or under stress. Even simple tricks, like taking a deep breath, that i learnt in school are still as much a part of my probelm solving arsenal as any of the mathmatical formulas that i learnt in college. So, when i went to pondichery over the weekend i decided to re-live some of the old memories.....memories of time gone by....i can distinctly recall those cold winter mornings when were made to line up in a single file and walk bare foot on the cold tarred road to the maha-samadhi in the ashram. The winter chill, the silence, the somber music, they all still reverberate in my mind. I, like the rest of the bunch, detested meditation. The recitations and prayers were, but a waste of breath. It was only later, probably some time in my final year in school that i began to fathom its relevance.

So, here i was, standing at the door of the meditation hall in the ashram guest house. The floor was white marble and the walls were a serene, dull shade of white. The smell of the burnt out agarbatti still hung in the air and lured my weary spirit in to the room. I removed my slippers and switched off my cell phone, then walked to the corner of the room. I sat cross legged, resting my back against the wall - three years of slouching infront of the computer had ruined my back. All that was left to do was to follow the usual steps...in tara didi's own words...
"close your eyes"..."consciously relax every part of your body, moving from the toes to the forehead....".

We were taught to imagine something in our mind's eye and to try and focus on it. A candle flame, that is what had always worked for me. It was calm enough that it kept my mind from straying, yet had sufficient activity to keep me interested. Then i went through the usual phases that i had come to associate with meditation.

Beginning first with the period of hightened senses, when the rhythmic droll of the fan calliberated my breathing. Then there was a period when my mind started to wander and the external noises subsided. It felt like being uplifted from the body, because the joints which had begun to hurt suddenly feel insensate and numb. It is during this period of intenerant thoughts that i usually find the solution to my problem. But, this time the problem was harder. It wasnt academic. None of the usual tricks seemed to work. Earlier, it had always been a matter of trying to string my thoughts in to a a continuous chain of logically related conclusions, of trying to remember similar arguments and guiding principles, but it was quite the opposite this time. It is often, very difficult to pull out a cyclic argument and analyse things from an external unbiased stand point, but, as i found out this time, what is harder is to try to forget something that has become an integral part of your being.

After what seemed like a lifeime of wandering i finally hit upon what seemed to be a reasonable compromise. Satisfied, at my efforts i ended my meditation and drifted back in to conciousness. But, i did not wish to leave, i did not want it to end. It was not until one of my friends came looking for me that i eventually opened my eyes and went out of the room. I slipped into my slippers and switched on my cell-phone. And then i walked back in to the "real world", savouring the fruits of my effort and satisfied with the outcome. I had barely walked 15 mtrs when i felt a jiggle in my pocket. My phone was flashing the familiar message of an incoming SMS. The phone number seemed surprisingly familiar.

I read the message. Forty minutes of meditation had just been ruined.

And quiet flows the dawn

2007-06-12T08:42:00.000-07:00

The fleeting moon rays interspersed,
with warm sunshine,
the glowing sparkles, in a display, so divine,
as mystery of the eerie darkness is withdrawn,
under the watchful eye of the old oak - quiet flows the dawn.

The mystic river forces its way,
through rocks n gravel in silent display,
of its unrestrained power and matchless brawn;
in to this surreal night,
quiet flows the dawn.

Foggy mist envelopes the forest,
the lonely oak whom the river beset,
awaits another sunset;
and in the calm cacophony of roosting birds,
the starry night rolls on,
and in its place - quiet flows the dawn.

Life awakens,
the arroyo glistens,
as another day beckons;
And soon the remnants of the night are gone,
and then, unnoticed by all-quiet flows the dawn.

2007-06-09T04:30:00.000-07:00

I cant decide which is the greater evil .....snoring or allowing the culprit to continue sleeping while you toss and turn thinking of ways to get back at him in the morning .....

2007-06-09T03:11:00.001-07:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

cyborg

2007-06-09T02:42:00.000-07:00

week two:shall we dance ?

2007-06-03T07:25:00.000-07:00

So another week has passed and i would be lying if i said it was like anything i thought it would be like. Ever since i landed in Bangalore every day has been an adventure, a new horizon and a new experience, and this week had new surprises and experiences to offer. Continuing the theme from the previous post –I will talk about my adventures in Bangalore. I will, for added clarity and in true 'programming languages style', list down my findings as rules.

-Rule1: It pays to ask inquisitive in a research lab especially if asking question in the lab sabha gets you ice cream coupons.

-Wisdom walks. Anandan, who is the founder of the lab takes interns and other employees on 'wisdom walks' around shankey tank (thats a lake close to the building). As usual us interns were hanging out during lunch time when to my surprise anadan decided to join us on our table. What was very surprising was to see him open his own lunch box and offer its contents to everyone.

-Rule 2: When the person offering you something is the director of your lab and 4th in line Bill Gates then you do not refuse whatever is being offered even if it is some strange concoction that reminds you of your sister's failed culinary experiments.

-Rule 3: Even if you fail to comply with rule 1 NEVER ask him why he bothers to bring home cooked meals in spite of the buffet at the office.

Anyhow, i was surprised at his response to afore mentioned question. He simply retorted - "my mum makes it for me every morning and she will feel bad if i did not take it to work, will you ever argue with your mum?". I was at a loss of words, partly due to the audacity of the reply, and but more so, at the fact that he had stated the exact reason why i had been reluctant to tell my mom not to give me lunch.

Scene change.

Usually i am very nervous about meeting with or talking to 'strangers' but Anandan took the first steps towards breaking the ice. As i have always maintained there are 'talkers', the attention grabbers, and there are those who listen, but the most intriguing of the lot are those who with their replies and inquisitions put you at complete ease to talk. He was one of those, never hesitant to talk but always willing to listen. The conversation started with the usual stuff....the group and things about college life....but we soon diversified into things far more interesting. He talked about his PhD days, where he took 6 years to finish his PhD, and how research and the freedom associated with it was instrumental in shaping his view point and personality. This is one of my most cherished memories about Microsoft, but the events of the next day were certainly quite the contrary.

Scene change.

Loud music. Flashing lights. The nauseating mix of expensive perfume, sweat and the alcohol, i must be in a disco. As a part of their endeavor to get every to get along, the folks at msr took us to Zero G(queer name !!!)-a disc. Just before leaving for the ill-fated destination i was talkin to subbu, when i unassumingly asked if he would be accompanying us to disk. His reply - "you go, i am sure YOU will enjoy it", but i could not help but notice a mischievous glint in his eyes, the reason would soon become apparent. I had never been to a disco and the novelty of the experience was what drew me to the place.

Started with some casual good natured social drinking and bantering but when the 'music' started blaring things soon got badly outa hand. I summarize all my observations in the following succinct rules.

Rule 4:All forms of dance seen in a disco can be abstracted out to a few steps broadly encompassing pelvic grinding and hip thrusting with occasional bursts of energy as loud cries mimicking the mating call of a elephant bull in maast.

Rule 5: In order to deflect attention and to avoid being branded a wet blanket i suggest standing on the side lines and periodically flexing ones muscles in a feigned show of dancing. This, it turns out will keep people off your back and also gets you close to the 'action’ from where you can marvel at the prehistoric ritual that unfolds before you. I bet when cavemen killed a wooly mammoth their celebration would have followed a course not very dissimilar from this one.

Don't get me wrong, i have nothing against dance but somehow the idea of being flailed around in a throng of drunk, sweaty maniacs pulsating to the tunes of the latest bollywood dance music doesnt get me going. Plus when the only 'motivation' to lose ones inhibitions and dignity are a bunch slightly hot,highly drunk chicks doing some strange form of tribal rain dance/fertility dance, then it aint very hard to resist oneself and years of restraint hold up very well. But there is something about such places, may be it is the booze, or the disorienting flashing lights or the may be 'hot chicks' that draws people to the dance floor to shake their legs and a hell lot more(evil grin).Being the eternal optimist i guess the only silver lining to this cloud of mist and smoke would be the fact that i got out alive, which too seemed unlikely when the entire group decided to cram themselves in the tiny lift.

Rule 6: Disco etc aren’t meant for me.......something slower and more intimate, may be something along the lines of salsa would be my cup of tea, but this surely is not my thing.....

Adios.

microsoft - first week

2007-05-23T04:30:00.001-07:00

It has been a long time since i could muster time or motivation to write, and writing about the semester in retrospet seems to be the best way to restart blogging.I must confess this was without a doubt a doubt the worst semester among the six that i have spent in IIT. The reasons were myriad - academic and personal- and many not fully under my control. But one thing that kept me going through the endeless drivel of assignments and and quizzes, like the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, was the impending trip to bangalore.
Very often, i have observed that when i think too much about something then it usually doesnt turn out the way i have imagined it to be. I conjure up images of how things ought ot be only to be disappointed in the end. Fortunately, this hasnt been the case with msr. Here are few reasons, based on my observations, that i attribute to microsoft's success.
1. They provide interns with free and luxurious lodging. It seems like a benevolent thing but by doing this they can ensure that the interns live close to the office and are free from the burden of searching for an accomodation in crowded bangalore.Further more, by providing a 24 hour pick up service they encourage interns and employees to work longer hours.
2.The office is beautifully decorated with lounge chairs and glass partitions. Every effort is made to fulfill every need in the office - from food (free and loaded pantry) to x-boxes and corrom boards/tt tables for entertainment.
3.Lunch time. Providing lunch on the premisis surves the dual purpose of ensuring that the employees stay in the building and they hangout together during lunch time. If the people stay in the building/office during lunch they are likely to spend time discussing things related to work. These guys also hav twisted concepts of company loyalty and bonding and the Hr department goes an extra yard to ensure that every one feels a part of the big microsoft "family" with Mr. Bill as the patriarch.
4.company hierarchy. There are thre tiers in the company- Group leaders who specialize in certain areas(the old guys), researchers(middle aged, just married,Phds), and the assistant reserchers(the fun group, straight out of Bthech). Us interns work under a resercher and an assistant resercher. By assigning well defined projects with set objectives/goals, and targets they encourage organized research. Unlike other companies that employ interns to do the dirty work for them and do the heavy lifting for their products, msr has a special cell that does the sofy development. Interns are used to provide a fresh perspective and outlook to the project. So they are expected to solve some problem or prove a lemma in a larger scheme of things. By doing this they ensure a satisfying internship experience and ensure that most of them would come back as assiatant researchers.
I will add on to these as i learn more through the course of the next 2 and a half months.

the constant gardener

2007-05-23T04:28:00.000-07:00

"Clarity of thought leads to clarity on the writing pad...".. this is what my hukka(humanities, for the uninitiated) teacher said in the first class; and like almost all prophetic sayings this one too sounded very reasonable.Yet as i introspect i find that it is quite the contrary for me. I find my self turning to blogging during times of turmoil as opposed to the time when i have things worked out. Infact, i feel writing things down helps me organize my thoughts. I wasn't particulary honest when i said that writing was just a means of killing time. Over the last 8 months i have found it to be a wonderful stress buster.
From the prologue it must be obvious, that there is something which bothers me; that i wish to share. It is about a movie that i saw...."the constant gardener". It was very diferent from "sunrise.." or shawshank or any other "good" ones that i have seen. As always, i warn you that if you havent seen the movie then stop reading, coz i dont want to spoil it for you.
The movie is about a british couple, justin and tessa, who try to uncover the ugly truth about illegal drug trials in poor african nations by big pharma companies. Sadly they learn too much and have to be dispensed with. Thats the movie in a nutshell. But what that last three lines fail to capture are ordealds that they have to under go while they swim against the tide.It goes something like this, tessa is a social activist, an outspoken woman, who doesnt hesitate to stick her head out and speak what she feels is right. Justin works for her magesty's government as a diplomat. They meet a press conference and romance ensues. i think i can skip over the romantic bit just as the director did coz that is not the theme of the movie. Then justin is transferred to Africa and tessa tags along. It is here that she befriends a local doctor and discovers the truth behind the free drug trials being conducted by a drug company. The company is using the locals as guinea pigs to iron out the flaws in their formula. The secret service learns about her work and they tell justin to reel her in, and he refuses. All this time, while she had been fighting a lonely battle, tessa had kept justin in the dark about her work. This was her way of protecting him, because she knew that the road she was heading down would ultimately lead to her death. It is much later when justin begins to probe in to his wife's death that he realises that it had been a conspiracy all along.Pardon my ignorance, but i still cannot figure out what the title refers to.
I have tried, and failed, to over come the guilt and confusion that has enveloped me ever since i saw the movie.I was in tears by the time the movie ended, infact there was a time when i wanted to shut down the TV because i was overwhelmed with emotion. There are questions that are unanswered that still bother me.Are the comforts that i enjoy at the expense of someones happiness? Is the cost of a human life some how related to the colour of the skin or the money in the bank account? And where does sympathy end and pity begin ? These may look as if they are out of a moral science book, but the movie made me sit up and think about these questions.
The last scene still haunts me ..... justin is sitting on the banks of lake titicaca and is at peace with the world. He sees a jeep approaching him from the distance, and yet he doesnt move. He is too busy with tessa, whom he imagines to be close to him. She smiles and kisses him on his cheek. The strangers ask him for his identity, but he doesnt even bother to turn arround. A whisper comes out of his mouth...."tessa i will always love you"...and he closes his eyes and waits to be reunited with his love. gun shots follow.... "dont put concrete, she wanted to be burried in african soil, nothing grows in concrete..." - justin, just before tessa is about to be burried

end sem.....

2007-05-20T08:49:00.003-07:00

As i sit in front of my computer, which seems to be surgically attached to me these days ......... i think of the semester that went by. This one like all the ones before it had its highs and lows, yet it was different in the sense that it was during the last four months that i did so many things that i couldn't have imagined myself doing before the sem began.
It is not that i really did something outa this world, but what may be routine for most others is usually an adventure for me. Anyway I will get on with the flash back........ Picture turns monochrome.......screen flickers.......people in funny costumes slide into focus.......
Flashback begins.....
Firstly, there was a new group in the making. With Patti and Arpit enjoying their French sojourn, the CS-Sippy group had pretty much disintegrated....so like any lost soul, i began by looking for new people to spend time with. Didn't need to look very far, our beloved swamiji seemed interesting enough to keep me entertained during the semester......then ayush,tallu and singla joined in ......and so there it was....an unlikely group of individuals, who hung out together to drive off the devils of boredom. And i must say, I had the most enjoyable time with these guys during the semester..........those long drives to gurgaon.......the time spent doing nothing(swamiji called it studying) in the winty.....and of course minors and majors..... they seem to become such a cruise when you have people around you.....speaking of which, this sem was one that ideally suited my kinda studies, the subjects just needed a little bit of application and required very little mugging up.
I shocked quite a lot of people, including my self, with the way the semester turned out as far as academics are concerned. My friends began to call it "estrogen effect".... hinting that this was due to one of my friends from my school days. Surely they were joking, but she did have some role to play in it. It was just that, as i began to venture out, i stopped fearing failure. After all, "what could be the worse thing that could happen, if a test doesn’t go well?" and this one question, would put things into perspective. And this was probably the only reason why i didn’t screw up my exams as i used to. It is by doing things that are out of ones comfort zone, does one make the difficult seem common place. Never watched any plays before this sem, and movies were never on the agenda, all this seemed such a waste of time. But now having tried them out, and enjoyed most of it, i have realized that by spending time doing what i like allows me to focus my self better at other things. Call it "estrogen effect" or call it self realization...... this is one thing that sets this sem apart from the rest......

Yak Yak Yak....

2007-05-20T08:49:00.002-07:00

All my life i have been a listener. Like a true capricorn; as linda goodman would describe me, a silent observer. The quiet mountain goat, who is never the center of attention, but sits silently and often unnoticed as he listens to others. Often,this passiveness has landed me in embarasing situations where i have been caught unaware, away in a world of my own, blissfully unaware that i had been noddin away all the time. Yet,it leaves me with a lot of time to observe what others are talking about.
Back in class six there was a short write up by Helen Keller, about how we often ignore the simple things in life as we rush through it. "...the seeing see little",is what she had to say, if i remember correctly. Well the same applies to all our senses,be it sight our hearing. So coming back to the silent listener bit, so here i have been, quietly nodding away as others arround me continued to YAK(and looking at the name you thot i was gonna talk about hairy beasts). After years of experience i think i am in a position where i can predict, with considerable accuracy, the ebb and flow a conversation within minutes of it having begun.
The formal, mathematical feel of the next few lines is completely unintended yet unavoidable. There are broadly three types of conversations that i seem to come across most frequently.
The first being the "introduction".This is something like the credits for a movie, where they just prod one another,and try to squeeze a common line of thought upon which further conversation can be built.If the two of them happen to be someone from age group then things get really convenient.The conversation is usually centered arround a college or work which ever might apply.
The second one being he "pleasent hello" type of conversation. Here there is just a mutual exchange of greetings; and often a compliment. Just a way of acknowledging one anothers presence without having to commit to a long and tedious conversation.Usually takes place when atleast one of them wants to maintain distance and yet does not want to offend the other person.
The third type, "two way channel". This is when i find two people who have too much to share and too litle time. Something really amazing takes place when this happens, since both of them are consenting of one anothers presence, even in the periods of silence the mind races not out of nervousness but to think of more things to talk about. It is absolutely beautiful, and a feeling that is hard to describe....and i look back at such moments and play them back in my head so as to remember every bit of what happened. Usually come across such situations when i meet someone from my school or a long lost friend or better still long lost friends from school.
And before i forget, there is one classic conversation that needs no description...it goes something like this ....
step grandma's third cousin's sons wife : arre Pushkar, is that you ?
Me: with a silly smile that seems to be permanently tatooed on my face, "yes".
Me:(thinking to myself) Nope!! this is just a holographic projection,the real Pushkar is some where on planet mars.
step grandma's third cousin's sons wife : You have grown since the last time i met you.
Me:silly grin
Me:(once again thinking) yeah like all good humans, my parents feed me, and by force of habit i tend to grow, hence the change.
step grandma's third cousin's sons wife : so what are you doing these days.
Me: studying in IIT.
step grandma's third cousin's sons wife : ohhhh..... ITI.... one of my friend's son is there as well.Do you know some one by the name of sahil or sanjay or sallil.I cant recall his stream or the year.Maybe he has passed out.
Me:Silly smile again
Me:(thinking to myself again !!) haan big help !!...god save me,plz get this to end.May a lightening bolt put an end to this misery, and strike HER dead.
step grandma's third cousin's sons wife : And how is mummy (this, inspite of the fact that she has talked to her 10 seconds back,and mom is standing right next to me.)
Me: she is fine
and it goes on......and they ask me why i prefer to stay shut!!!!
YAK YAK YAK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

she was always the one for me....

2007-05-20T08:49:00.001-07:00

The charming smile on her radiant face,
her sweet voice and loving embrace,
that carefree laugh ,for all to see
she was always the one for me.....

In her magical eyes, i could see the future..
as she looked at me and i gazed back at her..
The time we spent will forever be in my memory ,
she was always the one for me....

Sadly one day she told me it was time for her to go,
our next meeting ,of that ,i did'nt know.
I didn't think that i shall see her again..
but i had memories that will last till the end,

But as fate would have it...
things have come a full circle..
there is still a chance ,slim as it may be,
but i will give it a shot coz, she will always be the one for me....

kHalBAli

2007-05-20T08:48:00.002-07:00

He sat there, and watched the images flash by,
things he knew, yet feared ,and lied,
lied to himself, and others, that he didn't care,
twas his life, and he would live it there...

started off easy...made perfect sense,
then gradually he realized, his, was all pretence,
was this really, all to life...?
a house in the suburbs and a beautiful wife...

he had been so selfish....and hadn't seen it this way,
they told him..."this is your home", where you shall stay,
yet, driven by competition
and fueled by ambition,
he had soldiered on .... without thinking it through...
decisions and choices ,looking at what others would do...

he thanked "her", from letting him go astray,
wiped a tear, and walked away.
walked away...knowing that he was a changed man,
and would hold on to this as long as he can....

five twenty

2007-05-20T08:48:00.001-07:00

For all those who have been pestering me about details about my whereabouts on Wednesday..... Herz all you get out of me
I went to the north campus there to meet a really good friend... the rendezvous had been long over due...hadn't been to north campus, so decided this would be a great opportunity to go have a look around ...plus i get to try out the much hyped Delhi metro.....in case you are one of those slow ones, who take their time with printed text....i am trying to enumerate the reasons for my visit....
So any way, the meeting was great .... though there were the usual periods of silence, but that was pretty much expected , considering neither of us are the "conversation starter type".... but, i guess, silence too has a part in a conversation....excuse the oxymoron...
It was on the way back that some thing really strange happened ..... I took the metro (which seems surprisingly punctual and well maintained by Indian standards, quite a pleasant surprise !!! )...and got off at CP......from there, just as one of my friends had told me, i boarded bus number 520, for AIIMS....
Luckily the bus was almost empty, and i took my usual corner seat (big mistake, as i later realized). And just as i was about to drift away into a state of semi-conscious trance....another person came and sat next to me( ref. "funny talkative dude"). As Sienfeld ( for those who have an exciting life, and don't spend their evenings in front of the TV, a short introduction...stand up comedian, great sense of timing and brilliant observation skills) once said..."guys would talk to one another just because they are guys, that's all they need to have in common"....and obviously this one too, like a true sienfeld fan, decided to talk....after the usual chitter-chatter, i decided to end the conversation and started to stare out of the window, expecting him to get the hint.....yeah, he sure got the hint!!!....about 10 minutes after we stopped talking, "funny talkative dude" made his move....started to snuggle up...even though the rest of the seat was empty...
I decided to ignore him....must be one of those nervous travelers, who feel there are thugs at every corner...so i continued to look away, hoping that "funny talkative dude" would get the cue and move away....but he seemed hell bent on getting to know me more intimately...and pretty soon he was breathing down my neck....and i was beginning to get really uncomfortable....finally i couldn't take it any more.....removed his hand from over my shoulder( don't know how that got there)....and the other one from my thigh (yeah!....even i was shocked at his audacity)...and jumped down from the bus at the next bus stop...
Don't get me wrong ... i have nothing against such people....the world can certainly use a little bit of love, even if it gives nightmares to the pope , but what really ticks me off is when they decide to hit on me.....so any way that was all that happened that day...quite an eventful day.....though, certainly, not what i expected ....

hollow men

2007-05-20T08:46:00.002-07:00

The last week was quite a roller coaster of emotions and self discovery. There were moments of immeasurable happiness and the depths of intense depression. The purpose of this article is not to talk about the week that was, but to reflect upon the lessons learnt from it.
It began like any other week; i was on a high after the rendezvous and my performance in the minors. It is strange that when the things are going well that one sees so many happy faces, and "friends" seem to be every where,but it when they are just the opposite that the need for a true friend is sorely felt.And most of life's lessons are learnt the hard way, when you are depressed and lonely, and take time off to introspect.
Microsoft Hyderabad came to the campus to conduct campus interviews gave the test and was selected. I accepted their offer after some negotiation. And this is when things started to go wrong. To an outside observer this may seem an ideal scenario.... big company, excellent campus, decent work.... but it is human to demand more, and to measure ones success with respect to others. My friends drilled in the notion that an intern at Microsoft Hyderabad was not a blessing but a curse, that i would be away from the rest of the gang and there were far better opportunities in Bangalore, where they all would be placed.
This was the beginning of the downward spiral that took me to the dark depths of depression. There were times when i felt that all was lost, and felt like putting a bullet through my head but lacked the clarity of thought to think it through. It took a lot of effort to write the last line, and i know that i was not suicidal, and at some level sanity would have prevailed, yet it still bothers me that i allowed that thought to enter my mind. It was during this time that i had a recurring dream. I dreamt of a large stone, that i was lugging along, the harder i tried to move it the larger it grew, until i could carry it no more. I yearned to find someone to talk to yet everyone seemed so distant. Decided to open up to one of my "friends", yet he felt overjoyed to hear that i was miserable. It pains me to see people change like this. He would turn to me for help in all sorts of things and i had tried to be the ideal friends, by helping him all along. This was the first, of the many lessons that i learnt during the week. Adversity brings out the best and the worst in men, and clearly it was the latter for him.
This was when i decided i had had enough. It was time to regain control over myself and my life. At that moment the stone was moveable again and things finally began to fall back into place. No longer driven by competition, i could see with amazing clarity and think with remarkable depth and insight.
I am happy and satisfied now, and more importantly wiser. Depression and anxiety can be tremendous motivators and their power can be used to achieve things that would otherwise have been impossible and take decisions that would have been too hard to take in the course of normal functioning. Now having found meaning in all the wreckage, I have at last, a new goal and a new aim.
Note: Later moved to MSR Bangalore, time is a great leveler……

driven to the edge of reason

2007-05-20T08:46:00.001-07:00

Not the best day of my life......
Woke up with the sound of rain in my ear and the smell of wet earth....this seemed to be the beginning of one of those perfect days....those where everything seems to work out. I realized that it still wasn't time for me to be up, so i woke up my sister, and both of us crashed in to our parents' bed, so at six in the morning all four of us were up and doing pretty much nothing. It has been a long time since we had done something like this, ever since sis moved out, the four of us had rarely had spent time together. So this seemed to be a welcome change, plus confirmed my belief that this was a special day.
Since i had time to kill i decided to drive myself to IIT, of course dad was there to accompany me. The red light at the IIT crossing wasn't working,and even on days when it is working the crossing is a mess, so one can easily imagine the chaos when they aren't working. So any how i drove slowly (make a note of this one) behind a SUV and just as the vehicle in front of me turned left a motorcycle came out from in front of me crashed in the side of my car. It wasn’t such a big deal, both of us were barely moving and no one was hurt( in fact not even a scratch). But this was when things got ugly. As it turns out that guy was a police man ( not in uniform, and like all police walas...ill-tempered and extremely rude), and he was in a mood to argue, which aint such a big problem. I thought this would get sorted out easily, after no one was hurt, and no damages, surely we could reason this out.
But the problem is that when it comes to anger and road rage it is usually not the most recent event that causes it, it is usually just a trigger. This guy started to fight, with that i mean; he started to grab my collar and hurling choicest of abuses, one that would make "omkara" sound like a nursery rhyme. I find it hard to believe that some one who has been "entrusted with the responsibility" to protect the general public would vent his aggression in such an irresponsible manner. He saw the AIIMS sticker on the car, and this usually calms down even the most aggressive of people. Yet this one seemed to have some thing against doctors....in his words...."you doctors are miserable people, all smug and dressed up, you think that you are think you are the kings of the world..."( translated, and edited)...
Makes me wonder...... for a country that prides itself for having achieved so much in the last 60 years, we still suck real bad when it comes to the attitude of our public servants. It pains me to see such barbaric aggression and violence, let alone from a police officer. We pat ourselves on the back, and believe that we are on our way to become a world power. Not with this attitude, where people are roughed up on the roads by the people who have the responsibility to protect them.
As i have always believed such incidents have tremendous potential in shaping our views and decisions. Well, my mind is made up, i am not going to be behind the wheel of a car on an Indian road......i have just about two years left in this place, and for that time public transport will have to do. It is 9:30 in the morning when i am writing this, i shudder to think of what would happen during the rest of the day.

physics nobel...any one?

2007-05-20T08:45:00.001-07:00

I have often wondered about what it takes to win a Nobel prize, and about the kind of people who win it. Just recently i had the good fortune of reading an autobiography of sorts of Richard P Feynman. It isn’t really an autobiography but more like a collection of anecdotes from his life. In case, you are not one who has been in touch with physics since class 10, when we were taught an absolutely farcical from of science, i will begin by introducing him.
R.P. Feynman won the Nobel Prize in theoretical physics for his work on wobble of nuclei. In the words of Hans Bethe (that’s the guy who proved that there is H/He in the sun) - “There are two types of genius. Ordinary geniuses do great things, but they leave room to believe that you could have done the same if you worked hard enough. Then there are magicians, and you have no idea how they do it. Feynman was a magician." And these words pretty much capture the intellectual prowess of the man, but what they fail to capture is the inherent quirkiness of this character. The book lists a lot of incidents from his life at MIT, Princeton and then at Los Alamos. Here is a collection of some that i found particularly interesting.
There was this time when he notices that there are ants in his bathroom. Instead of stomping them he decides to check out how they communicate with one another. So he puts a tiny crystal of sugar on the floor, and waits for an ant to come and pick it up. Using a marker he traces out the path on the floor. Then as the next ant comes to the same point he traces out its path using a different marker. He finally notices that the paths asymptotically tend towards a straight line. And there is more, he conjunctures that the ants are following an odor trail that is left behind at regular intervals and interpolating the path in between. So in order to check if the order of the chemicals in the trail is important he used glass slides(like the ones we had in school) , and once an ant had been over the slides he just rotated them around so as to flip the order of the chemical marker in the trail. Now that is the mark of a wise a man at work.
Almost all these guys have a soft corner for women, i remember reading some where, that Einstein too was a mini skirt chaser, and was in fact married twice. Ditto for Mr. Feynman. Though he was madly in love with his first wife he kinda gets back to his old ways when she dies of TB. There are lotsa instances of how he tries to woo women and fails miserably. In his college he had to choose between Portuguese and Spanish, and decides to learn Portuguese coz, there is a cute girl in that class. He develops a fantasy about drawing nude women, and so he goes out to hire women to pose nude for him. In the end he gets good at it and manages to sell some of his "art works". And then, there was that time when he goes to bar, and is surprised at the number of women who are willing to spend time with him. It later occurs to him that he has got the reputation of being a big spender and hence the keen interest. Ahhhh, miserable failure.......
He goes into great depths to detail us about his safe cracking exploits. And he sure has the knack of guessing other people's safe numbers. He guesses Bethe's safe number....this is how he does it..... He knows that Bethe being a man of science would use a number that has some mathematical importance. So he first tries out the first few digits of the expansion of pi and when they fail, he tries 'e' and it clicks.
A man who often fell, i mean, jumped into adventure, he had a mischievous streak to him. Like the time when he gave a speech in Italian when he hadn't a clue about what to say and didn’t know a word of Italian. And then, when thieves stole a door from one the dorms in MIT, he steals the second door so that if the thieves ever got caught they would have a hard time returning the "second door they had stolen".
So all in all, an inspiring book about a strange guy and it does explain why he won the physics Nobel. And for those who are wondering why this wud be of any interest to a computer scientist, the 2000 physics noble was awarded for research in computer science. You get the drift.....

sunrise to sunset

2007-05-20T08:43:00.000-07:00

I With the hectic rush of the semester behind me ..... i can finally get back to things that i like to do. One the things i started to try during the sem was to watch movies, and buoy.....was i missing out on a lot. Any way, this post is about a wonderful movie that i saw yesterday, actually it wasn't one movie, but actually two of them with very similar names- "before sunrise" and "before sunset".
WARNING: Spoilers up ahead, and if you haven't seen the movie, i strongly recommend you to stop.
They both have the same theme with the later being a sequel to the first. So herz the thing, guy meets girl on a train, they talk and fall for one another, and decide to meet at the same station six months from that day. Six months pass and then nine years go by, and they lose touch until he decides to write a book on the incident and they finally meet up after nine years. The first movie is about how they hit it off on the first meeting and the second one is about the time they meet up again. And that’s it, not much of a story, but as it is often said that the real skill lies in how a story is told and not the story itself. And right through the movie, the two kept talking about how they lives had turned out during the last nine years.
It was amazing to see two people who have so much to share, really connect and talk like they have known one another forever. Something that is really striking about encounter is how that one single night shapes their lives for the next nine years. Both of them end up in really horrible stifling relationships, probably because they continually strive for the perfection they experienced on that night. And there was this time when they meet for the first time that jimmi (that’s the guys name, can't really recall the other ones name, #define girl = Claire) tells her what he really wishes to do in his life was to give up everything and live in a Buddhist monastery. And when they meet up after nine years, Claire is dating a guy who is follows the Buddhist way of life. Seems like she was looking actually looking for jimmi's image in all her lovers.
If the movie is a true reflection, then people really don't change over the years. Claire talks about how she wants to do something worthwhile with her life and not remain stuck in a desk job. And voila!!, nine years later she is working for green peace to save the environment. She talks about how she wants to be in love with some one so that she knows him so well that she can predict every thing about him. And she was probably flirting with him when she said this, but later on, what disappoints her about her relationship with her boy friend is that they send too little time together.
Don't really have a lot of idea about how women think, and don’t suppose any one does, but something that was really strange was when she refuses to recall the time they made out in the park. Seems like she wanted to project that she wasn't too attached to him, and it was just a one off fling, but as she later confesses, she remembered it clearly.
It has been a while since i really watched a movie where so much thought was put into every dialogue and this one is a movie that i would recommend .

Prologue

2007-05-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

Right through this semester I tried to maintain a log of what ever interesting happened during the day. Used to do this when I was in class seventh and decided to restart it, partly, as an avenue to kill time. Found this is not the worst thing that i can do in my spare time. Plus this really ain't as bad as it sounds. I used to hate the writing skills section in the English exams/tests and that was because I never got over the idea of writing stuff for someone else on topics of his choice, and be judged for it. After all who could be so qualified so as to judge the worth of my ideas in the balance of his virtues and based on what he presumes to be right or wrong. But ,this is nothing like it, I get to write what I find interesting and no one can judge/grade me for what I have written.
Here is a collection of some of my scribes. Most were too personal for this site, but these are the ones that I would like to share. Click on the links on the left to proceed.